I was ready to Disappear into the Summer, but lelangir sucks at improv. Three simple letters—a “w,” a “u,” and a “t”—informed me that either my attempt at humor was, as drmchsr0 might say, a poor imitation of my past self, or that the ‘sphere just wasn’t ready for a Second Ascension.

But what really triggered me to end this sham was the following post from CCY: K-ON! Is a Lot Like a Little Sister. Not because it made me laugh nor because it made me cry, but because it was so goddamn stupid to the point of becoming an instant classic.

Really, Senpai-kun? Really?

In a world where there is so much strife, so much unwarranted competition, such rife capitalism, so much disease, so many religious faggerjacks, and so little money, you’re worrying about K-ON!’s quality?! My bad. He has stopped worrying about K-ON!’s quality.

Actually, I didn’t read the fucking post. Knowing CCY, and knowing his opinion of Lucky Star, I know that reading the post would send me into a frothing fit of fury.

But one thing in the introductory paragraph stood out to me:

Even though I would love to return to the spotlight at the same time as lolikitsune, acting as his most disturbing senpai, the words aren’t flowing yet.

Pictorial evidence, Exhibit A:

Apparently, the “L” in “LK” is the better half.

But now isn’t the time to poke fun of Senpai’s CSS. Who the fuck cares if his text floats all over the place? I sure as hell don’t. The “point” here, as Kero would say, is that CCY thinks I’m making a return to the spotlight. Am I? I don’t even know! But I’ll keep playing this idiotic game as long as you morons keep inflating my ego with your comments, your tweets, your blog posts, your prayers.

So I’m back now? Fuck if I know. I’ll hedge this one to the ends of the earth.

What did you just mouth, Jim? I need to post about anime in order to be back? Ffffffffff. Well, I guess I’ll make a token attempt in order to please Senpai.

Guin Saga: Plus: pretty backgrounds. Con: Lemus. Reminiscent of: Jyu Oh Sei x Shadow Warrior Chronicles. Dropped after one episode.

Hanasakeru Seishounen: Plus: pretty boys. Con: ugly girls. Reminiscent of: Yami to Boushi to Hon no Tabibito (I think it was the big cat on a tropical island). Dropped after five minutes. I couldn’t even make it to the pretty boys =(

Valkyria Chronicles: Plus: short skirts. Con: idiotic characters. Reminiscent of: Violinist of Hamelin. Tentatively watching.

Sengoku Basara: OH MY GOD SHIT’S SO REAL!!

That’s about it for anime.

Oh, and while I’m alive, let’s clear something up for newcomer Mori. Jim, bring up the Twitter.

The good doctor, Moritheil, is none other than moi même: Dr. lolikitsune, with Ph.D. in lolikitean, trolling, and good taste.

In final news: my legendary PR guy is talking to me again?! I doubt I’ve done anything right, so I’m just writing him down as a mindless Watchmen fanboy.

Positively taken with the masterful art-style present from episode one of endearing slice-of-life/comedy K-on!, I hung myself upside down from a tree for three weeks in order to contemplate the meaning of my relatively bland existence. I died and was reborn, and when I examined my robes I found them gray no longer. (They were blood-soaked, possibly the result of the runes.) I took a long, soapy bath and, when the laundry finished drying, I looked at my figure in the mirror.

My Days, Jim, has kindly recorded the words I uttered as I examined my new self:

“I have become moe, destroyer of brains.”

(Thanks, Jim.)

As I stood there, transfixed by my own fixation, I realized that I was missing but one thing: a musical instrument. I was going to revive pop music. I quantum divided my hand into a drill, focused on the tones I most dearly wished to reproduce, pierced time and space and the twelfth wall, and—you guessed it—produced my instrument: a shiny new well-greased flute.

Transformation complete, I stand before you on my wobbly spearlegs.

Now, who will be my three accomplices? I know that I’m the most bad-ass thing to ever set foot on the stage of the world, but a band is four (or five?!?!!?!?), not one.

UPDATE: Please post your interest in joining the band in the comments below, along with your cell-phone numbers. You will receive anonymous texts instructing you where to go for your… *ahem*… auditions.

Visual metaphor for sex. *nod nod*

The final episode of ef ~a tale of melodies~ will have a place in my memories for years to come, I believe. Not because it was touching nor because it was a good closing episode, but because it was so goddamn stupid to the point of becoming an instant classic.

Hi Yuuko, I have some freshly-baked cheese tarts for you…

I’m still in shock because I can’t believe how everything fell into place for this episode. Apparently, Yuu and Yuuko have some problems with their relationship, which drive Yuu over the edge by the end of the episode. Only in Japan, only in anime, and only on a White Christmas can something like this happen without somebody stopping for a moment and saying,

“Yuuko. You’re dead.”

Fortunately, Yuu said…

“Naw, fuck that. Long drawn-out delusions within the boundaries of my own mind can resolve any issue between the living and the dead better than actually believing in God long enough to accept a miracle. The longer I keep my delusions to myself and the harder I rape Yuuko’s illusion, the sooner Yuuko will unspill ink on herself and be alive again! Then she’ll realize that she was wrong and go on a date with me to the school rooftop.”

… and thus a legend is born.

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWthetic

Apparently, angels are petty creatures with human emotions. Never saw that in what of the Old Testament I read for my Bible As Literature class, but then again, this is me we’re talking about. Everyone knows I fail at critical thought and analysis!

So yeah—Amamiya Yuuko is an angel, complete with wings and shit, and she’s hanging onto Yuu’s hand and crying like a slut who wanted the stranger she met in that one bar to use a rubber. I never had much faith in Christianity, and this show isn’t doing a whole lot to change that. It clearly isn’t trying too hard, because I’m totally receptive to messages taught by anime.

It’s funny because in the end the show carries the same overall upbeat message as, say, World Destruction or Clannad: “everything will be alright.” “Hope is all you need.” “The future is bright.”

So after a very “real” first season, ef took a turn for the ludicrous. Everyone knows that hope and friendship don’t actually exist. Angels? Pffft. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

This was when I realized that Yuuko was an angel and not the dead Yuuko’s twin sister or something. I mean, come on. This is ef we’re talking about.

I didn’t expect Clannad-level supernatural bullshit to blindside me like this!

I WON’T LET YOU TAKE THIS TRUTH FROM ME!!

Mizuki, Mizuki, Mizuki. You rocked hard for most of the show once I got over the fact that you’re way too… uh… ebullient and futuristic, I guess.

And then you said this line.

And you know what I thought to myself?

“This girl would get along well with Lelouch Lamperouge.”

Seriously, Mizuki. What the fuck were you smoking when you spouted that shit?! It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not true. And no—Yuu’s smile does not make it true! Fuck you and your “logic.” I can just see you now, smiling and wagging your tail.

“But if you accept my theory, it proves itself!”

Fuck you, Mizuki. Fuck you.

ef ~a tale of melodies~ went just as planned, and that means that it had some really awesomely-presented scenes, some idiotic drama, and lots of assorted idiocy as the icing on the cake. Nothing could adhere better to the expectations of its fans.

Merry fucking Christmas.

1. I shouldn’t be doing my homework right now… should I?

2. Do you have any bread or supplies or swords for my men?

3. Why do all anibloggers dislike lolikit?

4. Who runs the ABC?

5. Why is Kamen no Maid Guy so fucking good?

6. How can Crotch Zombie rock so hard?

7. If you could entrust your future to five animebloggers, who would they be and how would you make them cooperate?

8. Will I ever meet Jason Miao face to face?

9. What is the fatal flaw in the Anime Blog Awards that allowed me to secure a top-five-in-category slot?

10. What is the fatal flaw in my self-esteem that allowed me to ask #9?

11. Does Owen hate me furrealz?

12. Am I sad? Am I holding myself? Am I locked in my room? Should I not be sad?

13. Will Aria the Origination ever be fansubbed past Episode 9?

14. Can this video about Scientology please be getting lots of smurfs favorites?

15. Will the namefaggeristic nature of anti-anon pro-pseudonymous-e-peen emo attention whore anibloggers be my downfall or will it just be funny?

Please, answers required immediately. I’ve got the rope fastened to the ceiling already.

One day, I was playing with some fourteen classmates on a remote island. We were all Brittanians, our parents busy with the hard work of keeping Area 11 subdued. It was summer time… and, without out parents around to take care of us, we got shipped off to this island.

For the last two weeks, it’s been nothing but boredom. My classmates were all wrapped up in nonsense like fireworks and organizing parties… I alone realized the futility of it all. Of living our sheltered, meaningless lives out in Area 11.

… but that’s in the past now.

I found a cave, the day before we were supposed to return to the main island. Within it, what I found was…

… a secret.

I invited my classmates inside, and they followed, their interests no doubt piqued by the fact that this was the first time I’d spoken to them. Yes, they followed me inside, to the cave in which we met C.Beetle. C.Beetle seemed kind at first, asking us if we wanted to play a chess simul with him. We played… all of us, all fifteen of us… we played against him, and he won. We had thought for sure that we’d win on at least one board. … it was foolish. Well, we lost, and he won. So we handed over to him our ante…

… our left eyes.

It was like we were in a mirror and he was Nahash and we were Jabesh Gilead and he gouged out our right eyes. Except we weren’t in a mirror and it was our left eyes he took, replacing them with something he called JASS. Only later did we find out that this C.Beetle fellow was a half-11. He was Japanese. JASS was a mispronunciation. JASS was…. JASS was… “Zearth.”

We soon discovered that using the Zearth, we could manipulate people. It was as if we all has Sharingans or something. It was really cool to us at the time, since we were just kids. None of us knew… none of us knew anything.

And when we learned…

… what we learned was…

… nothing.

We were pitted against groups like us from other Areas. No one cared about class or origin, it was just Zearth vs. Zearth and every time we won a battle, one of our number disappeared. It was frightening. We were scared… we were terrified… but we won all our battles, and in the end, it was just me left standing. Me and C.Beetle. And he looked down at me and laughed because I was Brittanian and I was standing in a pool of Numbers blood and my classmates were all gone.

It wasn’t that I p-particularly… cared about them, or anything. S-stupid. I… I just happened to be in the same class as they.

But they were dead. And my enemies were dead. And I realized that everything I’d fought for was dead, and I didn’t know my own place in the world anymore. And so… so I have to present to you today something terrible, something awful: yes, within this box, is the left eye I myself removed from my own socket. This, Gentlemen, is my Zearth. My second left eye. My second left eye removed. My Sharingan… my battle trophy… my curse.

…

I… I just played a game of chess with my friends.