Anyway… without further ado, let me present to you: Meditations on First Lolicon.

Cast of Characters

でか ルト—a man approaching the limit of being able to call himself “young,” Ruto is an otaku and a NEET. He spends all his time alone in his room, safe within his room; he touches no one and no one touches him. Simon and Garfunkel song lyrics aside, he is a total recluse as far as meatspace is concerned. He has no friends, has no contact with his family, and eats only what food can be ordered online and delivered to his doorstep. Ruto is a lurker in cyberspace, and makes his name only through the number of days in his myanimelist.net account—over nine thousand.

God—a PHLAG, minus the “anime” because she’s (allegedly) real. She resides in Ruto’s closet, though he doesn’t know this because he never turns away from his computer. Her origins are mysterious, the extent of her powers unknown, her motives secret.

The Christian Anime Club—a group of anime watchers who contest Ruto’s discoveries after he publishes them.

The Atheist Anime Club—a group of anime watchers who contest Ruto’s discoveries after he publishes them.

Part 1

Ruto, after witnessing countless arguments between self-branded philosophers on myanimelist.net, decides to seclude himself from the last vestiges of civilization with which he associates himself (MAL and anime), and pursue the truth of the world. Along the way, he becomes good friends with his long-time companions the fridge and the alarm clock, who act as his loyal yes-men. In the end, he discovers the truth—God exists!

Part 2

After Ruto makes his discovery, we get more insight into God, the little girl living in Ruto’s closet. We learn about her backstory; why she’s hiding here, why she ran away from home, what kind of a person she is, and so on. This is done with extensive use of flashbacks and too much exposition.

Part 3

In what amounts to one long Phoenix Wright parody, objections regarding Ruto’s discoveries (which he published on his otherwise unpopulated MAL blog) are raised and responded to. In the end, Ruto runs out of cup ramen and withers away at his computer.

There will be a tearful epilogue in which his computer, a thinking, feeling thing, unfolds its haunches, gets up from its perch, buries the philosopher otaku’s body in a mausoleum constructed of DVD boxes, and then, mistakenly correctly assuming that everything is God’s fault, kills God.

AAAAAND that’s all I’ve got so far, folks. Tell me what you think. Also, if anyone wants to take this up, feel free to, though I will be critical of the style with which you do it (note: style here is synonymous with “classiness”).

Rock!

EDIT: acknowledging that the intellectual masturbation may be lost on some, here’s some context.

This is the greatest and best song in the world. . . tribute.

Long time ago, me…

and my brother Kyle here…

we was hitchhikin’ down a long and lonesome road.

All of a sudden,

there shined a shiny demon…
in the middle…
of the road.

And he said:
“Play the best song in the world,
or I’ll eat your souls.”

Well me and Kyle,… we looked at each other,

and we each said…

“Okay.”

And we played the first thing that came to our heads,

Just so happened to be,

The Best Song in the World,

it was The Best Song in the World.

Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see
One and one make two,
two and one make three,
It was destiny.

These lyrics are so passé.

Once every hundred-thousand years or so,
When the sun doth shine

and the moon doth glow

and the grass doth grow oooh…

Needless to say,
the beast was stunned.

Whip-crack went his whippet tail,
And the beast was done.

He asked us:

“(snort) BE you angels?”

And we said,
“Nay.”

“We are but men!”

Rock!!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahn,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

This is not “The Greatest Song in the World,” no.

This is just a tribute.

If you’re wondering what an AMB is, wonder no longer—Akari was curious as well, so I explained it to her.

	What’s an “AMB,” Mr. Lolikit?
	Objection!
	Hahi~! Umm… so, Mr. lolikit, what’s an “AMB?”
	An AMB is like an AMV, minus the video, and presented on a blog. You could call it an Anime Music Blog-post, I suppose.
	Suteki~
	Desho?

Yep, it’s pretty suteki alright. Baka-Raptor told me to ask myself, “what would Lovely Kitsune do?” I can’t just make fun of this excellent show known as Mouryou no Hako. I doubt even Lovely Kitsune could. But Lovely Kitsune also doesn’t blog anything seriously. What would Lovely Kitsune do?

He’d write gimmick posts.

And the Phoenix Wright knock-off minigame.

Didn’t something like this happen in the aniblogosphere recently?

internet games are scary—they hit so close to the mark sometimes

If you like things nice and Rule14′d, or if you like hacking and internet drama, or if you like cybering with old men who get turned on by phonographs, or if you like Phoenix Wright, then I suggest that thou getst thee to a Paypallery.

Seriously, it’s great fun.

And finally, to the shits who are thinking, “what? MONEY?! Where’s the free demo?”, you can still play Forumwarz Episode 1 for free. The Crotch Zombie fellows are good people, and their business model is more than fair.

I went into episode 10 expecting a disappointment.

Anyway, as was kind of expected, the show let me down.

Aria the Origination episode 11 dealt beautifully with Alice’s doubt and depression. I couldn’t have asked for more, and yet here I am, smiling like an idiot at Akira’s megadere worry for Aika’s spirit. Here I am, basking in yet another wonderful episode of Aria. Here I am, pleased beyond belief by this episode—which was, for all intents and purposes, epic.

Right now, I’m at my screen like this:

Episode 11 left me… not shocked, no, so it wasn’t like episode 9, but it definitely left me speechless. Proof: I’m writing this almost twelve hours after watching the episode. Took a while to recover. Now, it seems like all I have for Aria is praise, and this is true… now more than ever. Halfway through 11, I was thinking to myself, “Aha! They’re addressing this after all! <3 Aria staff! But, uh, pacing and story telling order is off—they should have done this BEFORE the Al business.”

And then Aika took Alice’s hand and said that makenai wa yo!! and I realized that the order things were done in was, in fact, optimal. By throwing in the stuff with Al, the show preps us for Aika’s good spirit and happiness and readiness to become a pro. While it might seem tangential, after some reflection I think that her interlocution with the gnome in 10 was very important for her character development—it enhanced her maturity and made her happy. Aika shines when she’s happy (remember the episode in Natural when she fucked her hair?) and I think that her mood is a significant factor in her performance. Unlike Alice who’s hella down and acts kinda robotic, Aika really gets gloomy, and it interferes with the rest of her life… conversely, well, what I said before. Happiness = fish, or something.

Akari of course took the wonderful power cake this episode with an incredibly sutekiiiiii~~~~ line about how Alice brings Alice to the table and that’s more than enough reason to congregate for dinner. Alright, so the point wasn’t really food (it wasn’t food at all, as it happens) but the line was amazing: you’re you, and we want to chill with you because we like you as a person, and there’s no need for any additional excuses. It’d be so fucking great to see real flesh and blood people be more honest and say these kinds of words to each other more often. I think that friendship would be a much more pure and pleasant thing if appreciation were expressed more often.

So long as, of course, you have a healthy dose of

Everything in moderation, right? Get some objections in, get some IRL trolling in, salt the earth a few times, be an asshole to your buddies… and then, at the end of the day, when you’re standing on your porch watching the moon, say something warranting an objection yourself.

Aria, I love you.

P.S. I’m also pleasured out of my mind by a string of devastating victories in Physics class today. Boring class is boring, awesome card game is awesome. Raped tablemate is… well, completely and utterly destroyed.

Ballad of an AWOL Lolikit

I’ve run away and things could change for you as well
you’re not so bad off now, you can post any shit you want.
I’m not this way because of some ‘net dorama I sparked
at seventeen a troll hunkered down beneath the tubes
when I read a post sent out regarding April Fool’s,
a frantic call for flames, I raised an instant OBJECTION!
to troll- I wrote comments to troll, I broke the rules of netiquette
to bring down hell. troll- into the spam filter
the program scrapped my text and destroyed my lulz.
now I’ve run away while they just try to express love
the idiot raptor who faked hating his idol,
I stood up to Jason and that’s the last guy I defied
the aniblogosphere has lost the grace I thought it had.