Yet these hands will never know KIRA~☆

Kaioshin Sama of internet infamy (mostly due to his trollish appearance, which in turn is mostly due to the fact that he has taste and a brain) has issued a challenge to me in the comments of one of RABURI RABURI ghostlightning-chan’s suteki My Hometown-style hippie anti-war pro-love posts. **I move away from the mic to breathe in** The post had been about how people shouldn’t mindlessly hate things, and I had sort of “derailed” (har har) the comments by my introducing my belief that love should be justified just as much as hatred, and that people should always be able to back up their evaluations of shows (and studios).

While we were on the topic of thinking and challenging oneself to be more critical, Kaioshin said:

And if you are looking for a challenge I have one for you. Find me something good that Jason Miao did in terms of blogging……..ever. I have a feeling that I’ve sent you on a wild goose chase, but this could prove interesting nonetheless.

I could point at the sky walls of this blog and yell “Who the hell do you think I am?!” but, as some shrewd observers might observe, the Jason Miao love evident on this site is merely high-level mendacity in its most convoluted form. I have no love for Jason Miao. I am not his biggest fanboy. I cannot point at his forced memes and say “BEHOLD!” while crushing Kaioshin’s challenge in his face.

Two drills, of hand and tail combined—the unison of Vindication, Loli-Kitsu!!

Well, I could. But shouldn’t there be some limit to how sarcastic I can be?

Having decided to take Kaioshin’s challenge seriously, I shall now present unto the aniblogosphere the two and a half good things Jason Miao has done “in terms of blogging,” which I take to mean both “behavior helpful to anibloggers” and “spectacularly legendary blog posts that stimulate the ‘sphere.”

2.5 – Jason Miao liberated Sixten

Were it not for Jason Miao, aniblogosphere illustrator-commenter extraordinaire Sixten would not be the appreciable source of lulz he currently is. Yes, in order to unleash Sixten’s Miao Diary upon the world Jason first had to indenture the poor guy and give him one hell of a complex. Check out this quote:

I am not taking commissions right now, except from family members or Jason Miao (who can always get work from me for free if they ask nicely). – Sixten, Artists are cheap

My interpretation? This guy is whipped.

In any event, it is fact that Sixten was bound to Jason and it is fact that Jason set him free. This is perhaps the best thing Jason has done character-wise; it reflects well on him. I wouldn’t say it’s the best thing he’s done in terms of blogging (hence this point only being ranked #2.5), but it’s pretty good. The Sixten we know today is breaking people everywhere while producing and sharing enjoyable artwork. He’s a positive force in the aniblogosphere, using his art to comment on developments in the community.

It’s good to have the present-day Sixten, and for that, I thank Jason Miao.

1.5 – Jason Miao ran Blogsuki horribly

Because Jason was an elitist prick and Blogsuki was nothing more than Jason Miao’s personal feed reader masquerading as a service to the aniblogocircle, there was room for Hung to come on stage, create Animeなの, and weave a basket from the lonely reeds.

Had Jason run Blogsuki well, the aniblogosphere would have evolved very differently. It’s a good thing he fucked up.

What? “How did he fuck up,” you ask?

Well, riddle me this. Can you load Blogsuki? Fuck off.

It’s good to have the present-day ‘sphere, and for that, I thank Jason Miao.

0.5 – Jason Miao is the aniblogosphere’s Virgin Mary

I always pin my genesis as an aniblogger on Fred Gallagher, because one of his Megatokyo rants got me to watch AIR, and that was around the time I was a regular poster on the AnimeSuki forums, through which I encountered Lovely Kitsune. And this is with good reason, for were it not for Lovely Kitsune I would have no idea what anime blogs are. He was also the one to introduce me to blogrolls (I remember he hated bluemist for placing him on his blogroll) and AIM blocks (I hero-worshipped him because I didn’t know better).

From my first post regarding the 2008 Anime Blog Awards:

Lovely Kitsune blogged epic on AIR, and it’s arguable that without him I would not have started anime blogging, and that without that, ANO’s IRC channel would have never been created, and that without that, the ANO community might never have come together, and well… the possibilities run wild from there. But basically, Jason Miao would still run the aniblogosphere.

But all that said, Lovely Kitsune merely gave me awareness. The one who propelled me into creating “notdotq, seriously!” and the lolikitsune persona was none other than Jason Miao. Thanks to his hard work creating this post, singularity was avoided and the present we know is the true and correct present.

I’ll have you notice a few things about this post of his: first, it’s tongue-in-cheek, second, it’s funny, and third, it’s mostly useful. Unbelievable, right? I mean, this is Jason Miao we’re talking about!

… it’s high time I check my quality rating again.

But I digress! Back on the topic of hand, that post got me to begin blogging anime. Now, I ask that you look around you. Were it not for me, would Animeなの’s community have developed as it did? Take a moment to chew on that one. Would Dr. Japes and Hinano be getting married? Would Os have cycled through four team blogs or would he have given up when his friends in KonOSono bailed on him? Would Owen have ever begun blogging? Would he have formed the ABC? Would I have met Author and Sixten? Would I be making a crappy visual novel?

THAT would not have been formed.
Riex would not have joined THAT.
Riex would not have been unhappy with THAT.
Riex would not have launched Oi, Hayaku!
ghostlightning would not have started his blog.

All these “what ifs” build on each other’s shoulders. Really, it’s a circle jerk of hypotheticals, and I could ramble in Aozora Loops about the possibilities, but I think that there are some fairly simple chains of events leading from that one post of Jason’s in early 2006 to the aniblogosphere we frolic around in daily as 2008 comes to a close.

I’m not trying to say that I’m the central pillar of the EL aniblogging community (though I might if I were being less serious). I’m just pointing at the fact that Jason Miao set great things in motion, albeit unintentionally.

So I’d like to be the Raigyo to Jason’s white-haired children, and say this:

“Look at the seed you planted in me. Look how well I took care of it.”

I like the baby monsters given birth to by AoMM’s Echidna, and for that, I thank Jason Miao. Awwww yeah, I just went Greek mythology on your asses. What? You want the good ol’ Bible Bitchslap? Fine. Fuckin’ “monotheists.” Well, buckle up and brace for impact because I’m about to e-jaculate all over your keyboards:

Jason Miao is the Virgin Mary to my Jesus Christ, and for that, I thank him.

Hopefully, the above picture and the one right before it help illustrate the differences between Christianity and Greek mythology: Christianity got rid of the furries and taught people to be ego-centric. Who the fuck needs siblings? Not Jesus Christ.

Well, I’d say I’ve thanked Jason Miao enough. *retches*

Now I’d like to thank Kaioshin Sama for giving me the opportunity to give thanks where thanks were due. I can now return to hating Jason Miao to my Heart’s Content!

P.S. YES I AM THE MOTHER-FUCKING ANIBLOG MESSIAH.

P.P.S.

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was U Jason
Tell the TRUTH Jason
Miao knocked down the towers
Tell the TRUTH Jason
Miao knocked down the towers

P.P.P.S. IN B4 “TOO SOON”

And the Phoenix Wright knock-off minigame.

Didn’t something like this happen in the aniblogosphere recently?

internet games are scary—they hit so close to the mark sometimes

If you like things nice and Rule14′d, or if you like hacking and internet drama, or if you like cybering with old men who get turned on by phonographs, or if you like Phoenix Wright, then I suggest that thou getst thee to a Paypallery.

Seriously, it’s great fun.

And finally, to the shits who are thinking, “what? MONEY?! Where’s the free demo?”, you can still play Forumwarz Episode 1 for free. The Crotch Zombie fellows are good people, and their business model is more than fair.

It’s at times like these that I wish my relationship with Jason were slightly less … violent. I’d like to talk to him about this, go over it with him, smooth things out… But ah well.

Once I got over the immediate reaction, I enjoyed Miao Diary quite a bit.

But I got to thinking—the Miao in Miao Diary is hardly the Miao I know. The Miao I know may be as flat, but he’s a dude, and doesn’t have ears or a tail. No 10% here. I also got to thinking—I’ve been writing about Miao since February. Sixten can’t touch this.

Night Switch

In February, I started writing a story—in small pieces—called “Night Switch.” It focuses on three “protagonists,” Jason, Joe, and Marin, and is about their interactions with each other and the country that they live in (2012 America).

Why Night Switch is better than Miao Diary

- it is not self-insert
- it is not wish fulfillment
- there is no gender-swapping
- it features more than two anibloggers/aniblog readers

• JTFish as Pedantic Dachshund
• Pablo-kun as Pablo
• scottfry3 as Scott F
• meganeshounen as Meg-Sho
• Jeff Lawson as Jeff
• mike as Physics Mike
• jpmeyer as JP
• DS as Dan S
• Hinano as Maria
• Marmot as the former director
• Jason Miao as Jason Meow
• and more to look forward to!

- Night Switch has more plot
- Night Switch has political satire
- Night Switch has a magical girl
- Night Switch has demons
- Night Switch has much hatred for Apple
- Night Switch has no moe

Why you should read Night Switch

Animebloggers, anime blog readers, you are some of the few people on this planet who will understand even 40% of Night Switch’s shitty inside joke-ridden content. If you don’t enjoy it, no one will!

Why Miao Diary should die

There are too many reasons to count, let alone list.
For now, accept that it’s simply a disgrace to everything innocent and pure in the aniblogosphere. Also, I hate Rule 14. CJ can attest to this. Can’t you, whore?

Want to be in Night Switch

If you’d like a character based on you in Night Switch, comment letting me know. I’ll make it happen. You might be a colleague of one of the main characters, or a cute mascot, or a turd. But you’ll feature if you ask kindly.

Read Night Switch

Whether it’s for the lulz, for great justice, or the result of a spinal reflex is up to you. DO IT.

Anyway, you play as a depraved forumgoer whose life goal is to discover something more surprising and disgusting than goatsextubgirlx2girls1cup and then show it to as many people as possible. My account if “Flaxative” if you want to friend me and I’ve made an attempt to join the Encyclopaedia Dramatica “klan.”

For more info on this brilliancy, see: trolling for fun and profit and lulz by jp meyer.

Gloomy, AKA Owen. The man, the blogger, the hegemony.

Don’t say no. You know you are. Even if you have no idea who I am, you know who Owen is. He’s infamous. He’s bigger in the aniblogosphere than I am, despite being more than a year my junior. But this post isn’t about relative status or popularity… this post is about justice. This post is about a veritable terror. This post is about all the little things Owen doesn’t want you to know.

Before I go into any further depths, I need to address a few things you probably do know something about. First, the main influences in the creation of Owen’s blog. Yes, I was one of them. Posting the usual mindless vitriol in response to a harmless show, I accidentally pricked the mind of a lurking troll. He created the Cruel Angel Theses and nailed them to my church’s front door the very next morning. I began apologizing that cold April morning one year ago, and I’m still apologizing to this day.

But much as I enjoy apologizing, I can’t soak up all the fault. I inspired Owen to begin blogging, but the one who gave him his true power over people was the legendary Japes. I say legendary because what was once a fairy tale of love and courage has become a mind-numbing train commute along rails of terrible mech anime. What I mean by all this is that the mighty Japes has fallen.

A beautiful downward slope.

In his place, Owen has risen up, the de facto king of thought-out (and blown-out) analytic diatribes. Utilizing JP’s main weapon—intelligence—Owen conquered worlds. Had he only inherited my share of blogging, he would be nowhere. But no, he acquired that key ingredient I’ve always lacked (again, intelligence) and combined it and trolling to UNISON his way across time and space and somehow become the APEX OF ANIME BLOGGING in about half a year. (He’s actually been declining for five months and fourteen days now, he just doesn’t know it.)

Some might say that the mighty Japes has fallen. I’ve already agreed with this viewpoint, but I’d like to add that semenonfigure is why we can’t have pretty things and that he is legendary even in his demise. His last two posts (here and here) are Jason Miao material. Please, go die JP.

Second on my list of things to address is the role of notdotq in the aniblogosphere. I’m not actually going to address it now because I spent waaaaaay too many words on the last point and I’m trying to get to the delicious stuff. You know. The CAKE—the primary objective. It’s delicious, so the Regional C.O. is fapping it. This means that no further saging is required and that I, having been briefed by the O.P., am to go forward with the plan.

And so I go forward with the plan.

#10.
Owen’s blog is one year old today. Looking at the Anime Blog Awards nominations for Rookie of the Year, you’d think that it was much older than this. Contrary to popular belief, however, Zeroblade and I are not batshit insane. Yes, Owen’s blog was an infant at the start of the Anime Blog Awards. It should be noted here that I don’t actually have any intelligence that this is meant to be a secret. Looking at the nominations list, though, it is obvious: Owen’s blog’s age is a de facto secret. Or at least, it was. I’m Keiichi and I have a shovel and though there are three more trees in this forest than previously accounted for, I’m going to keep digging.

#9.
Owen did not create the Anime Blogging Collective.

#8.
You are not, in fact, trash as well.

#7.
This one is a well-kept secret: Owen is secretly an episodic anime blogger. “How is this possible?!” you might ask, well aware that his Cruel Angel Theses are editorial (I won’t dispute that). I shall respond with an even better-kept secret (two for one!): Owen and Aroduc are one and the same.

#6.
Owen is, in fact, a girl. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, Dango Shithead DID do a good job using reverse psychology to convince you all that Owen’s a dude. DS is in fact one of Owen’s closest henchmen—or maybe even a clone—and that post was 100% truth.

#5.
Owen likes Lucky Star. Yes. You’d think that by the mere act of associating with me, he hates Lucky Star. The rest of the image follows easily: all his adulation for the show is hidden trolling along the lines of my dealings with Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu. But don’t be deceived. In spite of his trolling nature, and in spite of his alleged friendship with me, and in spite of how dishonest he is at times, he is not lying when he claims that Lucky Star is good.

…

I mean, he is not lying when he claims that he thinks Lucky Star is good.

#4.
Owen did create the Anime Blogging Collective.

#3.
Owen has ruled the ABC since its founding, and he continues to to this day. The rumors of a hostile takeover by glompable 15 year-old girls are false, propagated by DS, Aroduc, and Owen (yes, the monster CROSS-POSTS bullshit on his multiple sites).

#2.
Owen is a Nazi Dictator. And he’s sexist. The evidence I am about to produce may seem controversial… and it is… but upon further examination you will find it 100% authentic. You might ask, “why was this not brought to light sooner?” and the answer to that can only be that if I had produced this earlier—before ensuring my safety—Owen’s intricate web of power might have destroyed me. Now, however, I have locked myself in the Gnomes’ caves and have blocked my door with a miniature black hole. Sure of my security, I move forward and produce the evidence, evidence that has been seen by no one outside of the enemy’s orgs… until now. Ladies and gentlemen, docs.

#1.
No, Owen has not grown taller than me. Blogging power levels aside, I fear I shall always and forever tower above him physically.

Happy Blogging Birthday, you lovable fucktard. Here’s to many more.

This is so bad… it’s so bad, I won’t even blog it. It’s… Haruhi-level bad.

What’s so bad about it, you ask?

And what right do I have to talk, having only seen two and half minutes of a single episode of a newly started show?

Oh, we’ve seen this show before. We’ve all seen it before. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu is. Whoredom at its finest. We’ve seen it in Naruto; the single franchise that makes the most money with the least effort. We’ve seen it in Gonzo films that make relatively little money with a lot of effort, but please a lot of fans with “zomfg suteki~” animation. Before Lucky Star, there was this dancing anime.

And now, there’s this dancing anime.

And it’s multiplying.

As you all may or may not know, I’ve long hated the concept of “moe.” It objectifies a set of qualities (given, this set includes every single quality there is, according to Dr. Japes) and turns appreciation into a pretty damn formulaic thing. Instead of enjoying a character for the character as a character, “moe” aspects, traits, behavioral patterns, etc. take the foreground and become reason for a character’s acceptance. Instead of being intrigued by Tsukimiya Ayu’s lack of background, in watching Kanon, fans trouble themselves with “she’s so cute!”

And why’s she cute? Because she says “uguu.” And because she wears that coat, and those mittens, and that backpack, and acts like the little loli bitch she is. But who is she? Does anyone think to wonder?

Don’t you want to know who this girl is? Oh, we find out, after twenty-four episodes, eighteen of which were spent on other characters. There’s no development to Ayu’s character. Yuuichi is frighteningly detached from concern regarding this little girl who claims to know him… and who doesn’t have a family? Or a home? Or a school? Or any of the things she claims she has? All of a sudden, twenty episodes in, he kisses her… but we, the viewers, what motivation do we have for wanting the protagonist to kiss Ayu? Who is Ayu?

Some girl who says “uguu.” She likes taiyaki and dislikes scary things, including the dark.

/me snaps fingers

That’s not a character, and this degeneration of character development in favor of pandering to fetishes/aesthetics is the main reason I’m opposed to the concept of “moe.” “Moe” is whoredom, plain and simple. Yuki’s silence. Haruhi’s psycho bitchiness. Mikuru’s “lolimoe” helplessness. Tsuruya’s nyoro~n. Yes, even Itsuki’s homosexuality. Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu’s saving grace has always been, in my opinion, Kyon’s narration, and that may well be because he has a solid character. Of course, it’s entirely possible that the author of the novels merely made him as bland and dry as possible in order to help readers connect to him. Maybe there isn’t anything, even to him.

So why do I rant against “moe” so vehemently?

Lucky Star is, in a word, “moe.” You only need about 4 seconds of the obnoxious OP to figure that out. Take a look at these responses to bj0rn’s post about the OP:

• Impz says: MOE ATTACK!!!!!! i am dying, i am dying and I want my lucky star now!!!! moeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
• bakavic says: I just died. [...] The dancing is just too addictive…
• Aesir says: holy.. tat was.. just too awesome for words @@

And this explosion occurring as a result of Lucky Star’s entrance isn’t same old, same old. Look how willing these ghouls are; look how eagerly they embrace something knowing the meaning of “moe” and that they’re under some twisted genjutsu. The sos-dan.com site, formed some time last year in response to previous whore-show Haruhi, is scuttling with little bugs of people, the sad remains of people once unaffected by this “moe.” What was once a stupid book about some alien-loving girl has escalated to the level of epic reeducation.

I repeat, it’s multiplying.

I had respect for Kyoto Animation. I respected them for making AIR, the one show I’ve seen with the most compelling atmosphere. I respected them for making Fumoffu, the one show that’s made me laugh the most. I could deal with them making Haruhi; it’s business, after all. I cried more for the Haruhi fans than for myself when they made Kanon—what harm could it do to me? But this… this “Lucky Star” or what have you…

I quote Omni on the OP sequence, “It makes me think that they’re intentionally trying to create another Hare Hare Yukai style sensation.”

You think right, Omni.

They’ve descended from grace and are now fervently recycling everything of theirs that ever worked. Haruhi was passable and Kanon was a step back in the right direction. Lucky Star?

Kyoto Animation, you are whores.

You are whores and your show fucking sucks.