[canned introduction] Maria-sama ga Miteru: a show about disgustingly rich girls attending a private school that at once shields them from the harshness of reality and subjects them to the darkest, most horrific thing a girl could go through: romantic friendship with other girls! [/canned introduction]

As DiGiKerot pointed out, there’s a lot wrong with this new season of Maria-sama ga Miteru. This isn’t limited to the OP song change, or to the running in the OP sequence. This episode sees the *gasp* introduction of apparently heterosexual men! In my Hanadera Academy? Obviously it’s more likely than I thought—I would have said the chances were 0%.

Spiral power? “Your sexy lesbian is a sexy lesbian that can pierce the gay man’s gayness?” I don’t even know!

Anyway, this episode sees us approximately one year after the events in episode one of season one. The school festival is coming up, and Lillian Jougakuen’s Yamayurikai is once more holding a play. Once more, the boys from sister gay school Hanadera Gakuen are participating. Once more, there’s some tall, dark, and bishoujo girl bitch who hates men and wants out. Once more, Yumi is given the task of making everything work out.

By the way, Kanako. You want Yumi to remain an angel?

Protip: People die when they’re killed.

Crazy Sachiko, in classic Crazy Sachiko style, informs the actors that the girls and boys will be switching roles. Well, she’s gotten better about gender issues in the last year (remember her moaning about how evil men were?), but this kind of blunt trolling isn’t very attractive. At first Yumi is displeased with her onee-sama’s decision, but then she decides to take it like a good little walking vagina when said onee-sama melts her with her eyes.

Shirukii is also on board with Sachiko’s “meaningful” expressions.

“Rape is imminent.”

In between the Yamayurikai practicing the play and Shimako training her new dog, Yumi has some flashbacks of when she became Crazy Sachiko’s petite soeur. We get some nice piano version of Pastel Pure that almost makes up for the new OP, and… Yoshino suggests that Yumi have a nice anniversary with her onee-sama. I’m starting to see eye-to-eye with IcyStorm here; Yoshino rocks. “Nice anniversary?” Roses, chocolates, a fancy dinner, and a hotel room.

The fanfiction writes itself!

In any event, Crazy Sachiko clearly remembers what day is coming up. She’s got her rape mask on.

Later on, Yumi and Touko are having some problems with their relationship. Thankfully Yumi has learned the lessons taught by Rainy Blue and confronts Touko directly, making a big fuss in front of the Yamayurikai’s sex chapel.

As the school watches in horror, Yumi trills “Ano (Tou)ko wo Rape.”

Now that Maria-sama ga Miteru is current again, I should really do some YFR fic of it, huh?

The stage was set. The metools painted a rainbow over Lillian’s entryway and the Yamayurikai took to the sky in kaiawase formation. Who will profit? Who will get sexxings? Who will make my next blog post funny? So many questions, and a whole another week until episode two…

(The emo girl was emo, but such is the lot in life for those who fall in love with DEAD PEOPLE WHO WERE KILLED. OH EM GEE.)

Fuck Yesssssssssss

Toward the end of the episode, we are informed that Rosa Gigantea is coming back for the school festival. The possibilities are endless. Personally, I’m hoping for the “Sei surprise-sexes Yumi while Yumi is waiting for Sachiko to meet her for their after-festival anniversary-celebratory make-out session” route. Other lovely possibilities include a threesome, an overly-dramatic scene with humongous sexual tension, and a tennis match.

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One day I’m in DotQ‘s admin panel by chance and I see a new comment in moderation. This is pretty infrequent (as noted here, I’m even more unpopular now than I was half a year ago so it’s like, negative comments time), so I’m curious and I investigate. Lo and behold, it’s a pingback! On the Night Switch page! From… Sixten?!

And I’m like, “whoa!” I’m like, “since when did people I insult acknowledge me?!” I’m like, “doesn’t this guy suck Jason’s cock nightly? Surely he must know to avoid me! How come I’m not IP banned on his site yet? Is there something wrong with his brain? Clearly Jason hasn’t scrambled it enough! Anal penetrations moar plzplzplz!!”

When I was over my initial squeeing, I actually read the post.

(Some more serious and respectful comments on his post can be found in a post on Dreams of the Quill that I’m writing at the same time as I’m writing this. Seriously. This post isn’t my official response to Sixten’s post, it’s just classic notdotq-style vitriol and idiocy.)

Upon reading, I immediately become livid. The guy begins his post by not knowing who I am (“he (she?)”), which is unacceptable. He also misspells my handle—”LoliKitsune” instead of “lolikitsune.” He then goes on to namefag me (“I suspect Flak and LoliKit are the same person”), as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. On second thought, I suppose it is natural, for him. After all, it’s his idol Jason who was kind enough to namefag Pete Zaitcev.

Sidenote: I don’t portray myself as a loli kitsune. What’s in a name?

Would not a troll by any other name be as odorous?

Sixten concludes the introduction of his post with a demonstration of his illogic. He “decided it was time to read it” after Flak (I), whom he suspected was lolikitsune (me), posted an idiotic comment on his blog whoring Night Switch. I certainly wouldn’t read anything whored in an idiotic comment by someone who (appears to be) spamming in the name of (important side note: the different handles exist for compartmentalizing of online life and internet spheres, not for tricking people into thinking I’m legion). Even if it had to do with Jason Miao. Never. Wouldn’t happen.

Unless, you know, I was trying to get trolling fodder.

Anyway. After this introduction, Sixten launches into a synopsis of various aspects of Night Switch. He describes the background of the story as he sees it (he’s neither too wrong nor too correct for the summary to be full of idiocy or full of spoilers, respectively), and then has a paragraph for three of the characters in the story, complete with ILLUSTRATIONS.

Yeah right.

There is no way this guy has enough time on his hands to read all of Night Switch, draw pictures, AND blog about it in under twenty hours. That’s right—I made my comment less than twenty hours before this blog post went live. There are two possibilities here: he’s either a liar or a NEET. In the first scenario, he’s actually been reading Night Switch for some time, and the illustrations have been sitting on his computer waiting for the day I would foolishly waltz into his blog and comment. In the second scenario, he actually does have that kind of time on his hands.

But I digress.

(Some of the information in his character descriptions is less than accurate—this is addressed in the aforementioned “official response” on Dreams of the Quill.)

Oddly enough, Sixten’s three selected characters don’t have a 100% overlap with the story’s three main characters. He chose to highlight JTFish’s Pedantic Dachshund character instead of the story’s hero, Amtrak worker and religious fanatic Joe. Well, good on him for ignoring the boring characters I guess. The Geass-toting dog is definitely more interesting than the Tetris-obsessed, people-hating Joe.

Here’s where it gets REALLY good, though: after these summaries of plot and character, Sixten analyzes the story a bit. Here’re some choice quotes:

“Unlike Miao Diary, which is mostly styled after fluff anime, Night Switch borrows plot points from more serious and dramatic shows such as Nanoha and Code Geass.” (emphasis mine)

That’s right. He said it. Well, I can only hope for one thing: that he’s only seen two episodes of Code Geass. Any more than that, and he’s just laughing his ass off at me here. Code Geass? Serious? It’s like he’s calling Night Switch a slapstick routine. (Speaking of which, Suzaku slapped Lelouch’s stick in Episode 24 of R2. That was hot.)

“As LoliKitsune pointed out, Night Switch is better than Miao Diary – it’s not a self-insert, wish-fulfillment, mo√© vehicle like that story featuring Jasmine.”

Here he uses a masterful trolling technique known to inspire Troll’s Remorse in lesser trolls. He turns my own cruelty against me in an attempt to make me regret my callous remarks. Thankfully I’m not susceptible, and I stand by my claims that Miao Diary is nothing more than a more modern Megatokyo (read: horse excrement). But still, it’s the thought that counts, as they say. Sixten really tried to drive it into me here.

“It’s as well-written as Jason’s scripts for Heart’s Content”

A nail in the metaphorical coffin, here he compares the quality of my product to the quality of Jason’s. I’ve read AoMM on and off for three years now (on when I wasn’t banned, off when I was) and I have never thought anything special of Jason’s command of the English language. Now, you might say I’m not one to talk. I’m a high school graduate. My writing is far from what I would call “good.” I don’t grammar well. My active vocabulary is often inadequate. But you don’t need to be a good writer to tell a bad one, and I can tell Jason is bad. Horrendously so.

Actually, if my writing is at the level of his, it might be time for me to pull my Megatokyo move.

/me strips, then reaches for lighter fluid and matches

“f Miao Diary is a strawberry marshmallow, Night Switch is a meal of rice, meat, and vegetables. Read it today for a balanced diet.”

What
the
fuck
is
a
strawberry marshmallow?!

Sigh.

Sixten is a formidable opponent. He even made a cover for Night Switch, pictured below. And of course, it lacks Joe. Poor Joe. Never gets any love. I think that’s why he turned to Jesus.

(That’s right, bitch, I hotlinked that.)

Majime na Lolikit
Sixten, you rock. <3

“I don’t know how to become friends.”
“It’s super simple, Genpou-chan! All you have to do is call my name!“

Great Guardians … it left me feeling like it lacked something integral, something promised by the name. Maybe the whole “great” part. There also weren’t any guardians. There wasn’t a whole lot of anything, in fact. Maybe after twenty-five episodes of shit I was desensitized to such things as pantie shots or cleavage but this time around even those felt scarce. I missed the conflict, I missed the resolution.

Hell, I missed the part where Ryomou forgave Ryofu for fingering her back in season one.

Um, does anyone care about Ryofu dying again? I think I was with this season for about two minutes when I thought Kannu was dying. That made me kind of sad. Then I watched the next episode and she was alive. I think there was a disconnect at that point. So Ryofu going again? Big fucking deal. Maybe Ryomou’s sad because Ryofu promised a flute for their second time but the second time never came.

When I say “Big Success,” I mean that the creators succeeded in creating something vaguely approaching value. By taking MGLN’s stellar premise and themes and applying those to their lame fanservice shit, they leveled up their product. “Big Success” in no way refers to the actual quality of Great Guardians. I’m throwing it into the ever-humongous 1/10 category on MyAnimeList.

I can’t bitch too much, though.

The observant observer might take the time to comment, “what did you expect, dipshit?”

Anyway, one last parting shot before I burn this show from my memory:

What is this—the non-existent wish fulfillment arc for Kimi ga Nozomu Eien?!

TONZURA KOITE

I’d let Matsuri slip on my banana peel any day.

SCAFFOLDS FALL, EVERYONE DIES

Apparently, Matsuri’s kickass ability is that she can age things(?). She rusts the metal scaffolding to make it collapse and causes a brick to crumble to the point where she can pull it apart with her bare hands. Furthermore, she can jump like a mother-fuckin’ ninja and do mid-air maneuvers, sans shadow clones. Whether or not she would beat Uzumaki Naruto isn’t even a question, but can she break through Konata’s beautiful hurricane kick combo?

PUT MY HOOD TO YOUR POLLOW AND

J-J-JAM IT IN!!

(obligatory sex joke with F/SN reference)

“I HAVE NO REGRETS”

This makes Matsuri more sure of herself than Ayana or whichever whore sang the ED of Kanon 2006. This also makes Matsuri as sure of herself as Momochi Zabuza. Meaning that she has followed Addie Bundren’s father’s advice and gotten ready to die. (Hey, Mike, if you’re reading this? Please, yell at me later for making Faulkner references on my blog? I really need to stop.) My question: as Matsuri isn’t exactly a vampire, does this make her not exactly living dead?

MEMORIES OF CREAM LEMON ESCALATION

Matsuri’s fingering someone. If you don’t get it, good.
If you do get it, well, I’m fucking hilarious.
If you don’t get it, good. And I’m still fucking hilarious.

“WAKE UP, WHORE. I DON’T PAY YOU TO SLEEP IN CARDBOARD BOXES.”

When Scruffy says for the doll to sleep with him, he means in a bed. The danbooru is “moe” and all, but really, it’s a tight fit for the both of them and their kama-sutra rituals. I like the doll, actually. Thanks to the character design style, her face is way too angular to appear ultra-loli, and she actually doesn’t look too rozen. Of course, I have no idea what “rozen” is, or whether it’s good or bad or what. I must be like, the only person alive who has not seen that show.

ARC VIBES

I remember when Arcueid Brunestud left her “bai bai” note. It was a little less symbolic and artsy, some scrap of paper with the letters scrawled on it. Not only is Matsuri badass enough to deface art with her emo goodbye, but she’s so badass she doesn’t even leave! She’s so badass, she goes and lies down on Dorito-kun’s bed! And he’s so badass, he doesn’t bang her. As Shirukii-chan says,

Dorito-kun is presented with a prime opportunity to bed Matsuri, yet they opt to stare at his -fake- sky instead. Fail.

Replace “fail” with “rock on” and you get my version of events.

MOST BADASS CEILING, EVER

(This explains the inconsistency in lighting at the beginning of episode one. Nice.)

Majime na Lolikit

So they play the “real” OP for us this time. And wow, while the song is nothing special (nor anything good) the sequence itself is epic. Maybe I’m a soraphile.

In terms of what the episode had to offer… it seems like they’re feeding us fairly stock character with a fairly stock storyline, originalities being terminology and soraphaelia. But fuck, I have no complaints. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the beauty of this show is better than sex. I’d say something about Anse, but it’d be yet another Faulkner reference, and I’m not a girl. Anyway, point is, so long as they keep bombarding me with skies and beautiful backgrounds, I’ll be happy.

Really. I will.