Gloomy, AKA Owen. The man, the blogger, the hegemony.

Don’t say no. You know you are. Even if you have no idea who I am, you know who Owen is. He’s infamous. He’s bigger in the aniblogosphere than I am, despite being more than a year my junior. But this post isn’t about relative status or popularity… this post is about justice. This post is about a veritable terror. This post is about all the little things Owen doesn’t want you to know.

Before I go into any further depths, I need to address a few things you probably do know something about. First, the main influences in the creation of Owen’s blog. Yes, I was one of them. Posting the usual mindless vitriol in response to a harmless show, I accidentally pricked the mind of a lurking troll. He created the Cruel Angel Theses and nailed them to my church’s front door the very next morning. I began apologizing that cold April morning one year ago, and I’m still apologizing to this day.

But much as I enjoy apologizing, I can’t soak up all the fault. I inspired Owen to begin blogging, but the one who gave him his true power over people was the legendary Japes. I say legendary because what was once a fairy tale of love and courage has become a mind-numbing train commute along rails of terrible mech anime. What I mean by all this is that the mighty Japes has fallen.

A beautiful downward slope.

In his place, Owen has risen up, the de facto king of thought-out (and blown-out) analytic diatribes. Utilizing JP’s main weapon—intelligence—Owen conquered worlds. Had he only inherited my share of blogging, he would be nowhere. But no, he acquired that key ingredient I’ve always lacked (again, intelligence) and combined it and trolling to UNISON his way across time and space and somehow become the APEX OF ANIME BLOGGING in about half a year. (He’s actually been declining for five months and fourteen days now, he just doesn’t know it.)

Some might say that the mighty Japes has fallen. I’ve already agreed with this viewpoint, but I’d like to add that semenonfigure is why we can’t have pretty things and that he is legendary even in his demise. His last two posts (here and here) are Jason Miao material. Please, go die JP.

Second on my list of things to address is the role of notdotq in the aniblogosphere. I’m not actually going to address it now because I spent waaaaaay too many words on the last point and I’m trying to get to the delicious stuff. You know. The CAKE—the primary objective. It’s delicious, so the Regional C.O. is fapping it. This means that no further saging is required and that I, having been briefed by the O.P., am to go forward with the plan.

And so I go forward with the plan.

#10.
Owen’s blog is one year old today. Looking at the Anime Blog Awards nominations for Rookie of the Year, you’d think that it was much older than this. Contrary to popular belief, however, Zeroblade and I are not batshit insane. Yes, Owen’s blog was an infant at the start of the Anime Blog Awards. It should be noted here that I don’t actually have any intelligence that this is meant to be a secret. Looking at the nominations list, though, it is obvious: Owen’s blog’s age is a de facto secret. Or at least, it was. I’m Keiichi and I have a shovel and though there are three more trees in this forest than previously accounted for, I’m going to keep digging.

#9.
Owen did not create the Anime Blogging Collective.

#8.
You are not, in fact, trash as well.

#7.
This one is a well-kept secret: Owen is secretly an episodic anime blogger. “How is this possible?!” you might ask, well aware that his Cruel Angel Theses are editorial (I won’t dispute that). I shall respond with an even better-kept secret (two for one!): Owen and Aroduc are one and the same.

#6.
Owen is, in fact, a girl. I know what you’re thinking. Yes, Dango Shithead DID do a good job using reverse psychology to convince you all that Owen’s a dude. DS is in fact one of Owen’s closest henchmen—or maybe even a clone—and that post was 100% truth.

#5.
Owen likes Lucky Star. Yes. You’d think that by the mere act of associating with me, he hates Lucky Star. The rest of the image follows easily: all his adulation for the show is hidden trolling along the lines of my dealings with Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu. But don’t be deceived. In spite of his trolling nature, and in spite of his alleged friendship with me, and in spite of how dishonest he is at times, he is not lying when he claims that Lucky Star is good.

…

I mean, he is not lying when he claims that he thinks Lucky Star is good.

#4.
Owen did create the Anime Blogging Collective.

#3.
Owen has ruled the ABC since its founding, and he continues to to this day. The rumors of a hostile takeover by glompable 15 year-old girls are false, propagated by DS, Aroduc, and Owen (yes, the monster CROSS-POSTS bullshit on his multiple sites).

#2.
Owen is a Nazi Dictator. And he’s sexist. The evidence I am about to produce may seem controversial… and it is… but upon further examination you will find it 100% authentic. You might ask, “why was this not brought to light sooner?” and the answer to that can only be that if I had produced this earlier—before ensuring my safety—Owen’s intricate web of power might have destroyed me. Now, however, I have locked myself in the Gnomes’ caves and have blocked my door with a miniature black hole. Sure of my security, I move forward and produce the evidence, evidence that has been seen by no one outside of the enemy’s orgs… until now. Ladies and gentlemen, docs.

#1.
No, Owen has not grown taller than me. Blogging power levels aside, I fear I shall always and forever tower above him physically.

Happy Blogging Birthday, you lovable fucktard. Here’s to many more.