Around the time I was pushing through Soul Link and Joshikousei (two of the most painful shows I’ve ever seen), a lot of people referred to me as a masochist. I was watching anime that hurt me, on purpose, and enjoying it. Damn right I was enjoying it. I’m an attention whore, and if a few hours wasted watching high school girls being dumbasses gets a few words to come my way, it’s fucking worth it.

But, what are my reasons for watching anime? Am I not the one who randomly confused everyone in IRC by declaring that I hate anime?

I get enjoyment out of anime, in and of itself.

But what is the nature of this enjoyment?

The vast majority of shows that I like, and enjoy watching for the sake of watching, depress me in some way. The list is long and I won’t repeat it here (go look at my anime list for shows ranked 10 or 10+!) but the fact is, I get a lot of kicks out of shit like Kimi ga Nozomu Eien. I have some impregnable anti-drama shell, or something, and shows that are ridiculously over dramatic (or the ridiculously over dramatic aspects of shows) do not appear to be so. I watch KGNE, and I don’t think “hahahaha emo lolz”, I think “god damn this is depressing.” That’s the kind of person I am.

And I suppose I enjoy feeling like that.

Part of it’s escapism. There’s a number of unpleasant truths in my life and engulfing myself in anime drama is an easy way to avoid thinking about them. But at the same time, I’m hurting myself- I sit there, riveted yet morose, watching episode after episode after episode of Saishuu Heiki Kanojo. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. I kill brain cells and feel like shit. Do I enjoy that? Is part of my reason for enjoying depressing shows that I’m a masochist?

Hmm.

It’s a good question, but before we answer it, let’s examine a whole another spectrum of my anime tastes. I watched Ichigo Mashimaro, Azumanga Daioh, and now Ouran all because they make me laugh. Not because they make me depressed, not because they put me in a painfully unhealthy state, but because they ease my worries in a completely different manner. Ichigo Mashimaro is ranked up there in my lists, above a lot of depressing things, simply because it made me laugh. I enjoyed it.

— gotta put in here, I do not enjoy IM over other things due to the loli factor. This is a completely serious post (and thusly doesn’t really fit the profile of this site) and I am completely seriously not a lolicon. —

So I enjoy things that aren’t just depressing or harmful.

I watch boring things from time to time, but they’re the kind of put-me-to-sleep-even-when-I’m-interested boring, not the so-dull-i-want-to-kill-something boring.

And I watch bad anime. I watch bad anime for a number of reasons. The first I mentioned already. Attention. Then there’s information- I like having a wide scope of knowledge. It makes me feel like I’m authorized to say things about anime as a whole. “Kannazuki no Miko is the best show.” Etc, etc. Third, there’s another sense of the word information- staying current, caught up, at a level with others. Some of the most amusing and fun times of my life so far were spent in the ANO IRC channel, talking about anime with the wonderful members of the community. I feel like I couldn’t have built the profile I did, couldn’t have discussed the things I did, if I hadn’t been consuming sickening amounts of anime at the time.

No, I don’t watch bad anime because I’m a masochist. I don’t enjoy anime because I’m masochistic.

I watch anime because there’s really nothing else- no matter how I try to avoid it, no matter how I try to believe that I like other things. No matter how much I write or draw, I’ll always return to the fact that the one community in which I’ve received the most acceptance was this one, and that anime plays a major role in my existence here. In the end, the thing that I do that’s best received, that captures the most people for the most amount of time, that makes me feel important or able to do anything, is watch anime. I watch anime and posts on this site shoot out my ass. I watch anime and can rave in IRC for hours. I watch anime and feel damn good about myself, because there are people out there who’ll read my blog.

I watch anime because you, my reader, is reading this. You could have been watching anime instead of reading this. You could have even been doing something /intelligent/ instead of reading this. The fact that you are reading this makes me feel accomplished- my posts are more timeworthy than anime. I’ve created something that comes before anime. I’ve won.

But then, I wonder, why read an anime blog at all when you could be doing other things? Why read an anime blog when you could be writing one? Or doing homework? Or bettering yourself?

Another thing that comes up often in the category of things I think about. Self-improvement. It was especially prominent over the now-passed summer. I wanted to play piano, learn a few anime pieces. I wanted to write a lot, get better at that, too. I wanted to draw a lot, improve at that. I wanted to increase the sum of what I could do.

Pursuing what you enjoy doing, pursuing what you’re good at doing, feeling accomplished. Good things.

So why be reading anime blogs? Unless you’re studying stuff like what people are saying about anime before watching it, or reading up on a possible employee’s blog to see just how bad a person they are, why be reading anime blogs? Why this one? Why that one?

I guess it comes down to enjoying something. Being entertained, amused, whatever. Maybe you read anime blogs because you’re a miniature me and hope to get recognition and attention my commenting on every post (and every comment on every post) of each blog written by a cool person. But… you could be improving yourself! You could be accomplishing something!

It’s pointless, I know.

And that’s why I desperately need to erase anime from my life.